The Stinky Life
by Leah Lamp
“I realized I had become a permanent resident of Mars which turns out to be a very gaseous planet.”
I grew up roughly 1,000 miles from where my grandparents lived and because of the distance, I didn’t get to see them very often. When I did get to visit them, I was particularly impressed with my grandfather. He was an admirable man. Even though he only went to school through the 10th grade he was one of the wisest men I’ve ever known. He served in WWII and after the war went on to provide for his wife and nine kids by owning a carpentry business and a hardware store. But as a small child, I didn’t know all of this, I just knew how people treated him. When he spoke, people listened and many came to him for his advice. Also in a room full of family talking all around him, my grandfather would randomly lean over on one butt cheek and fart…loud! No one would acknowledge it at all, there would be no lull in the conversation. That’s impressive to a young girl!
I was raised in an all female household. My dad was in my life but not in my home. It was me, my sister, my mom and my aunt. We loved to laugh. We laughed all the time but bodily functions were not in our repertoire of jokes. They just weren’t. So when I grew up and got married I was in for a bit of culture shock and that my grandfather was not so unusual. You see, the longer I was married the more I came to realize that while girls are girls, women are women and boys are boys, men are…boys. I would say grown up boys but then, not so much. Sorry guys, but your sense of humor reaches maturity in the 7th grade.
Then to prove that God has a sense of humor he blessed us with a son…and then another son…and then another son. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, I realized I had become a permanent resident of Mars which turns out to be a very gaseous planet.
Me, my three boys and my boy husband all love to laugh and farting is the height of hilarity at my house. I will never cease to be amazed at the euphemisms associated with farting; pooting (or a drive by pooting), cutting the cheese, launching an air biscuit. I could go on…and on. So when I found myself pregnant with a little girl…AH!..I was so overjoyed! I was never really a girly-girl but suddenly baby dolls, ribbons and hair bows filled my head. Then the idea of pink ruffled revenge became to take shape. Finally, I had someone on MY side, someone to help me take back the house a little.
So I gave birth to this perfect, sweet, beautiful little girl. When my boys, aged 10, 8, and 6, came to the hospital to meet her, my husband placed the precious bundle in the arms of my oldest son and the other boys gathered around. It was so funny to see the abject fear on their faces at this…thing. They hovered over her as if she were a bomb that could explode at any moment which is a very apt description because at that moment this loud, long and juicy sounding fart emanated from my sweet baby girl. It was at this precise moment that two things happened; it was then that I got to see my three boys fall completely in love with their baby sister and it was the moment that I realized…she was one of THEM!
About the Author:
Leah Lamp is an aspiring writer who loves to laugh and hates broccoli and any form of housework. She lives in the piney woods of Texas with her husband, four stinky kids, and an even stinkier hound dog. You can visit her blog at http://leahsbreadandroses.blogspot.com/